I really liked the colorful picture of the ancient Roman soldier on the bread wrapper.
“Roman Meal,” cried the wording. And then it went on to tell you that the bread inside the burnished gold armor-like package was based on what the conquerors of the known world in ancient times ate as they marched and fought — lots of grainy fiber and vitamins.
Honest, I felt — right up through middle age and beyond — as if I could go out and battle the Carthaginians after a cheese sandwich.
But, no more. At some point over the last few years, the emperors of economics decided that society would be better served if the Roman Meal brand was sold to a company distributing it only in Asia.
May Jupiter hurl his …!
Well, never mind. The loss of my favorite bread, I must admit, was only part of a larger pattern of once-popular consumer products fading into dusty history. So, to comfort myself and maybe you, here are some of them.
Duz laundry soap: Anyone remember this once-popular sponsor of afternoon radio dramas under the washday slogan “Duz does everything”? Well, along with former mega-popular laundry room competitor Rinso, it long ago gurgled down the drain of time.
Puffed Wheat and Puffed Rice: These old cereals were among my favorites, less for their bland taste than for their sponsorship of the radio show “The Challenge of the Yukon.” Gone they are, but for years they gave me the thrill of riding dogsled with Sgt. Preston of the Canadian Mounties as he pursued bad guys through the frozen Klondike in the days of the gold rush.
Ipana toothpaste: Despite the heroic efforts of TV spokes animal Bucky Beaver, who sang of how this concoction would make germs and stains vanish from your teeth, it was Ipana that vanished — from store shelves sometime in recent decades.
Red Circle coffee: Once part of the A&P chain’s lineup, along with fellow brands Bokar and the still very popular Eight O’Clock, Red Circle seems these days to exist only on websites offering collectibles for sale. Hey, I’ll bet a cup of 40-year-old coffee would give you a pretty good morning jolt.
Fatima cigarettes: The last gasp of this once-popular brand with a cartoonish veiled woman on the pack came when it sponsored the gritty radio police drama “Dragnet” around 1950, and print ads featured star Jack Webb smoking it.
Ansco film: We sold tons of this product in our store back in the days of bulky cameras you’d wear on a strap around your neck. Recently I saw some online, advertised as collector’s items only — probably because the film’s expiration date was 1948.
Snow Crop: This frozen orange juice, a pioneer in its day, was folded into new owner Minute Maid many years ago, losing its old identity. If you’ve noticed less of any kind of frozen juice in the store, that’s because (according to industry watchers) Americans these days prefer takeout coffee and eggy sandwiches to sedate family breakfasts with pitchers of drinks.
There’s generally defensible reason why a product vanishes. It can lose popularity with shoppers, technology can make it irrelevant or it can fall victim to a crackdown over dangers or advertising.
But a loaf of grainy bread that makes a great sandwich? I’m so worked up I’m ready to take action.
“Centurion, get my armor and sword so that I may lead the XIV Legion to Wall Street and confront the barbarians who have taken our Roman Meal bread and sent it to Thailand.”